Echos Through Time
Slap! Right across my young, tender teenager's heart. “You are just like my mother,” his words cursed my very young soul. Condemned by my earthly father's vicious words, spoken out of his brokenness, stemming from those mother-father wounds he, too, suffered.
Generational curses are real. My father inherited his mother’s anger and shame, alongside his father’s abandonment and rejection. In turn, I carried the burden of his mother’s alcoholism, promiscuity, anger, and shame—abandoning myself in the process. His disdain for his mother seeped into my innocent life, fostering a deep sense of self-loathing.
Those violent words my father spoke over me in his anger still echo through me at times…
I longed for my father’s love and acceptance. I longed to belong somewhere, to be wanted, cherished.
I searched in the arms of many men, much to my shame. The numbing effect of the drugs and alcohol lowered the inhibitions, numbed the pain, and filled the hole in my soul...but it was only a temporary fix. Honestly, sometimes I did feel wanted, loved, and like I belonged, for a moment, a week, a month, a year, or a few years. Each attempt at filling that heart-hole was like a drop in a bucket as vast as an ocean.
Fast forward from teen years to my fiftieth year of chasing after love…I suffered yet another broken attempt, this one more devastating. The accumulation of rejection, betrayal, and denial left me hopeless and suicidal. It was then that the Holy Spirit inspired me to cry out to the God of Abraham, Issac and Jacob, asking Him where His real people were, the ones that kept His commandments, the ones that loved Him…and, what is the Hebrew meaning of Your word? What does Your word really say?
One day, as I was lamenting and crying out these exact words, I asked myself, “Why am I asking about the Hebrew meaning of His word?” I had no idea what I was praying. It was the Holy Spirit within me leading those cries…
I looked up the Hebrew meaning of scripture and found a man teaching the Torah…unpacking His word, using Hebrew language, culture, and context. He showed the flow of the Old Testament, the Prophets, and the New Testament…
The first time I heard this Torah teacher sing the Aaronic Blessing found in the book of Numbers, something deep in my soul broke. The first time I attended a Messianic Jewish Synagogue and heard the Rabbi sing the Aaronic blessing, I came undone.
The Aaronic Blessing… echoes through time of the Father's invitation back home. Home, belonging, acceptance, and love…
No more chasing after people, places, and things to fill the hole in my soul. Just as He met the woman at the well, He also met me through His Father’s blessings, leading me to His Ancient Paths…
"The LORD bless you and keep you; The LORD make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; The LORD lift up his countenance upon you and give you peace." (Numbers 6:24–26)
